Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
