the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
