It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
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