Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
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