How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
