I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Randomize
