If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
