If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
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