today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
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