I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
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