Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Text. Mid BJ. 8 points.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
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