also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
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