I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
nutella sex= disaster
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Randomize
