I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
