so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Randomize
