We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
And then the night went full on bisexual.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Randomize
