my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I am one with the molecules
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
Randomize
