"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
