You smell like a Billy Joel song
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??