if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
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i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
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I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Is this like a preordered booty call?
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW