you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
