I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
