I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Randomize
