I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Randomize