never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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