Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
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