surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
