She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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