My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
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