i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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