I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
