2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
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