My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Randomize
