I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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