My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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