you traded sex for a burrito?
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
