bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
23 Roommates Share Secrets Their Roomie Thinks They Don’t Know
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
29 Cringeworthy Situations People Realized They Shouldn’t Be In
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
I'd cum for enchiladas.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.