Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
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