after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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