I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
