the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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