I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
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