Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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