Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
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