She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
