i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
