Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
