Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Maybe he injected his testicle?
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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