Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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