don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
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