there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Randomize
