Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
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