I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
