my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
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