They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
